You’re in the Army now

“You’re in the Army now.                           Your Father Married a cow.

You son of a bitch, you won’t get rich. You’re in the Army now!”

Just about every soldier knows that song. Usually sung loudly and when you’re pretty drunk, and in the Army that’s going to happen a lot!

Welcome to the British Army.

First week(s)

We turned up on Monday morning at eight am (as we were told) only to find out that we were late. Yes 0800 was the stated time, but a good soldier is always five minutes early, and we weren’t there at 07.55 so we were late! 

The first thing was to get our uniform, but we weren’t allowed to wear it, not until we’d been shown how to wear the uniform, and how to take care of it, even down to how to press your shirts and trousers. I still use the same techniques and both mother and wife found out over the years that it’s best to just let me do it the way I’m used to.

That first week we also took a fitness test. Nothing too arduous, but the Army needs to know how unfit you are, and yes it’s ‘unfit’ as we had people like me, who’d been working in manual jobs and thought we had a good level of fitness> We had people who were athletes at major competition level and we all failed the test, but the tests were rigged that we would fail!

The idea was to find out what the Army had in us, and how they could take us to where they wanted us to be.

The test was a short run (Mile and a half in ten minutes). Thirty seconds rest, then two minutes of step ups as fast as we could do them (step ups are where you step up onto a bench and back down again as fast as you can as often as you can for the two minutes, it’s great cardiac work) then they take your pulse and blood pressure. Then as many chin ups as you can do in a minute (the pass mark was ten, most couldn’t do two) and finally fifty star jumps as quick as you could.

You were graded alphabetically on each one with A+ being the top down to D- being the lowest acceptable, anyone lower than that got extra gym time from day one, and yes, our of forty we had a few lower than D-

By the end of day one we were already knackered, and some already wanted to go home.

Day two saw us starting to learn to drill on the parade ground, and getting the piss taken out of us by the recruits further into the training, you quickly find that there’s a hierarchy in the Army that permeates right down to the lowest levels, but when the proverbial hits the fan you become a team, and that’s what the Army wants.

The first weeks are all about teaching you how to operate in a team, but not with some stupid bozo standing at the front spouting off about teamwork, but they teach you your place in that team and teach you what they need from you. They do it so well that it becomes second nature.

The Army isn’t interested in a team that looks good, they want a team that just gets on with the job without them having to tell you every five seconds what your job is. By the time basic training is over you’ll know that role better than you know yourself, and you’ll be up to the task, no matter what it is.

The Army does make a distinction for people going into non-combat roles, but the basics are the same for everyone. Even if you’re a clerk in an office like the pay office, you’re a soldier first, and a pay clerk second. If you’re a chef in the Army’s kitchens, you’re a soldier first and a chef second (but don’t get insulted when we call you a cook, as in the Army that’s what you are, you only get the title of chef when you’re in charge of the damned place) but don’t worry, we’ll often be using some different names.

Every unit in the Army has a nickname. Here are a few.

The infantry are grunts. The Amoured corps are ‘Tankies’ The Army Air Corps are TWA (Not Trans World Airlines, but Teeny Weeny Airways). Military Police are “Monkey Patrol” and Army Catering Corps are ‘Aldershot Concrete Company’ (hey, you try their custard and you’ll know why!)

By the way, even the Regiments within the Infantry and Armoured units have nicknames, and they’re not always polite. Prince Harry’s unit The Blues and Royals was known as the “Blues and Screws”

Hey, let’s leave things there for now.

Regards

Lawrence